In a few days it will be 6-months exactly since my daughter completed suicide. Some days, I am nothing but tears and some days I don't cry much at all. I miss her with every nerve and fiber in my body. Often I feel like there is no where to go, no way out, no hope ahead, as though I were in the bottom of a well.
So, with that in mind I though that online dating would be a great way to distract myself from the living hell of day to day life. I couldn't have been more wrong. After sending what feels like hundreds of first messages, I've only heard back from a handful. In 4 months, I've been on 3 first meetings. Though I haven't been told flat out that I'm too old (42), fat and ugly, I have been told that my pictures seem low-energy, that I need a mommy-makeover, and that I probably don't get mani/pedi/facials (i.e. take care of myself) because I'm either too lazy or too cheap. Well then. I think the real reason I started online dating is because I knew it would make me feel bad about myself. I already feel like I've failed as a mother, I'm failing at work, and now here are two more things I can add to my list...unlovable and undateable.
So, today I'm sitting here with my Chris Powell book (Choose More, Lose More for Life) and I'm working on the new meal plan and exercise plan that my son and I will start tomorrow. I have at least 60-70 lbs to lose. I'm going to get control of my weight and health. Hopefully that will lead to some emotional/mental health balance as well. In 6 more months, when my poor baby's...angelversary people call it...I hate that term...when it comes, I will be ready. I will be strong. I will make her proud. I will cry for her and light a candle while wearing size 6 jeans and her favourite Pink hoodie.
I just have to take one step, then another, then another...
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