I've been frustrated that my house is a disaster zone. I can't keep up with all the 'mom' things I'm supposed to be on top of, dinner, cleaning, laundry, work, gym, etc. I started cleaning this morning with my uncooperative 16 yr old son, he kept lying down instead of cleaning his filthy stinking room. I found a pot in the wrong place (I've shown my son 1000 where it goes), moved things off the fridge and saw the dust, and just burst into sobbing tears. I feel like a failure as a mother, like I will never feel joy again except through my surviving child's accomplishments, like I will be single and alone the rest of my life because I am 40-something, fat, and ugly (thanks shallow men on POF). I miss my daughter so much, and I cry a little every day, in my car, grocery store, at work. I can feel when those tears are coming on and I usually let them. I hardly ever just lose control and break down. It would be Eireann's 14th birthday on October 16th and yesterday was 7th months since she died. We planted a tree at her school in our old town last weekend, a beautiful Autumn Maple. Now it's thanksgiving weekend, my family is too far to visit. Some days there is just too much regret and despair that can't be held down by being 'busy' or watching Netflix until 3am.
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