The Depths of Despair

I've been frustrated that my house is a disaster zone. I can't keep up with all the 'mom' things I'm supposed to be on top of, dinner, cleaning, laundry, work, gym, etc. I started cleaning this morning with my uncooperative 16 yr old son, he kept lying down instead of cleaning his filthy stinking room.  I found a pot in the wrong place (I've shown my son 1000 where it goes), moved things off the fridge and saw the dust, and just burst into sobbing tears.  I feel like a failure as a mother, like I will never feel joy again except through my surviving child's accomplishments, like I will be single and alone the rest of my life because I am 40-something, fat, and ugly (thanks shallow men on POF).  I miss my daughter so much, and I cry a little every day, in my car, grocery store, at work.  I can feel when those tears are coming on and I usually let them.  I hardly ever just lose control and break down.  It would be Eireann's 14th birthday on October 16th and yesterday was 7th months since she died.  We planted a tree at her school in our old town last weekend, a beautiful Autumn Maple.  Now it's thanksgiving weekend, my family is too far to visit.  Some days there is just too much regret and despair that can't be held down by being 'busy' or watching Netflix until 3am. 

One Step, Then Another, Then Another...

In a few days it will be 6-months exactly since my daughter completed suicide.  Some days, I am nothing but tears and some days I don't cry much at all.  I miss her with every nerve and fiber in my body.  Often I feel like there is no where to go, no way out, no hope ahead, as though I were in the bottom of a well.

So, with that in mind I though that online dating would be a great way to distract myself from the living hell of day to day life.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  After sending what feels like hundreds of first messages, I've only heard back from a handful.  In 4 months, I've been on 3 first meetings.  Though I haven't been told flat out that I'm too old (42), fat and ugly, I have been told that my pictures seem low-energy, that I need a mommy-makeover, and that I probably don't get mani/pedi/facials (i.e. take care of myself) because I'm either too lazy or too cheap.  Well then.  I think the real reason I started online dating is because I knew it would make me feel bad about myself.  I already feel like I've failed as a mother, I'm failing at work, and now here are two more things I can add to my list...unlovable and undateable.

So, today I'm sitting here with my Chris Powell book (Choose More, Lose More for Life) and I'm working on the new meal plan and exercise plan that my son and I will start tomorrow.  I have at least 60-70 lbs to lose.  I'm going to get control of my weight and health.  Hopefully that will lead to some emotional/mental health balance as well.  In 6 more months, when my poor baby's...angelversary people call it...I hate that term...when it comes, I will be ready.  I will be strong.  I will make her proud.  I will cry for her and light a candle while wearing size 6 jeans and her favourite Pink hoodie.

I just have to take one step, then another, then another...